or: Why Swallowing Razor Blades / Swords is Silly

I have woken up feeling as though I was praticing swallowing swords or those old style razor blades in my sleep. I say “practicing” because if I was doing it correctly, surely it wouldn’t feel like this.

Seems to be that I favour using the right side of my throat for this exercise.

I may have been inspired by a few too many YouTube videos of the various Got Talent / X Factor compilations of magicians, swallowers and regurgitatiors. Yes, there is such a thing. I saw a guy swallow numbered coins who could then bring them back up again in any order the audience chose. He couldn’t get the last one out though unless he swallowed a billiard ball. A billiard ball. I’m simultaneously intrigued, grossed out and impressed.

Clearly I ignored the “don’t try this at home” warning that comes before each act.

I’m so hardcore that I tried it in my sleep. No need for a blindfold.

As a side note, I had been curious about how these people do practice their acts. Perhaps I put the idea into my own head so I could physically experience what they go through. I’m going to stop thinking about this kind of thing if this is the outcome and start to think about something pain-free and fun.

In the meantime…

Due to the amazing way parts of the body connect, the inside of my right ear also hurts. Deep in the ear canal somewhere. Somewhere a sword or a razor blade couldn’t reach. Well, I don’t think they could reach but I was asleep so perhaps I’m wrong.

In the state of semi-consciousness pre-wakefulness, I remember lying on my right and then rolling onto my left. This is when I first felt the razor blades / sword practice fiasco which had the annoying effect of waking me up. Now on my left, I remember thinking that perhaps I would be better off on my back or on my right side again to avoid the razor blades crossing some imaginary border onto the left side of my throat.

I was awake though clearly not rational.

I may still be in that state. Who is to say what is rational or irrational when you’re talking about yourself? It is a bit early for a red wine and cheese conversation….

Anyway, I had already decided yesterday that I wasn’t going to be diving today as I was feeling a little weary after the deep dive I did yesterday. I wanted to give my body a chance to recover properly. As I write this, it has just started to rain.

It seems like my body didn’t register that I was already going to be resting and has given me an additional warning while the weather itself has confirmed my decision is the correct one.

Now I’m hoping to hide those razor blades and swords before lunchtime. I’m starting to get hungry yet the thought of swallowing anything right now is not appealing. The combination of my stomach’s loud protests and great Mauritian food will win.

I will search for something soft.

And dive again tomorrow.

No razor blade / sword swallow practice this evening.

I’m done with it.

* Thanks to The Cure for the title to this post.